October 31, 2005

• Shit, what a mistake it was to welcome day six with open arms. It was
  such a stupid, idiotic thing to do. Things affect me in ways I never
  thought they would affect me, they are breaking me down more and more
  and I feel like I’m spinning out of control. I am so glad I have riding
  class tonight because I know, for sure, that if I didn’t… tonight
  would not be fun. I get so tired of things – of fighting for everything
  after a while, it’s just so damn hard. I mean, no one said life was easy – of course it is supposed to be hard. But this hard? I never imagined this.

  They finally turned the heat on in the house. The only thing is that it
  is so hot, I have to open one of my windows halfway. It is such a
  contradiction, just like my life. I can’t have one or the other – I
  have to have both. Who am I? Who have I become? I want to know what I
  want instead of being so damn wishy-washy… well, not wishy-washy
  necessarily, just… I want to make a decision and stick with it. I
  can’t even do that with body temperature. I could blame it on being a
  “fickle woman” but that’s just so… stereotypical, and everyone knows
  that I fight desperately against stereotypes.

  ---

  On a whole other note, today is my little sister’s 18th birthday. The little devil is growing up!

  ---

  I just had one of the best riding
  classes I have had in a very, very, very long time. The horse might be
  hard to ride, as my instructor says, but him and I are getting along
  great and with my tech lesson on Friday to work on compressing him and
  lowering his head even more without me having to ask, I think I’m in it
  for the long haul. I am so stoked! Slowly, things look up.

  • 8:21 pm
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