October 30, 2005
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Day Five.
There are some nights when I cannot sleep because I fear the darkness
and vulnerability it puts me in. I’m encased by black, barely being
able to see in front of my face, wondering if anything is going to come
out of the dark and hurt me. When I was younger, I feared being taken
away, of being kidnapped, of being killed by some strange man that
might climb into my window late at night. I still hate sleeping with my
windows open. It’s irrational and it makes no sense, I know. But deep
inside my head, inside my heart, I make it real. I make it the motive
behind my tossing and turning, my ups and downs in my head at night,
behind the reason I wake up, panting and scared and running to turn on
the light, to find some light in the bitter darkness that surrounds me.I’m not anyone but myself, and at times, I don’t want to be myself
anymore. I hate being panged by my past, fearful of the future, not
sure what to do in the present. The decisions I make are ones that will
effect me for a while, I cannot just do things on a whim anymore. I
feel like I am 19 going on 587 because the past seems so old, so
tiring, so downtrodden – as if it could only have happened forever ago
because at my young age, I don’t know how I even dealt with it.I finished writing about him ages ago, the one who tore my heart open
and closed it with such a force that it riveted my entire body. I
solemnly swore to myself that he wouldn’t impact me anymore, and to
this day I’ve kept that promise to myself. I wish I could burn memories
of him that lay deep without my mind, to rid myself of every morsel he
gave me and took from me and left me with. It is such a painful journey
- and this one, this one of change, starts from him; it starts from me
ridding myself completely of him and opening my heart once again to
others around… to find that love I once had in me, to discover the
care I had for others before he made me into a solid brick wall with
nothing to hold me together but poor glue.I think that doing Nano will prove to me that I can write a whole novel
on my past – that it will help me relieve some of the pain that I have
been through, so I can release myself to the present and future instead
of being tied to chains of the past. I really would like to break them,
to force them off of me, instead of being held tied and failing at even
thinking about getting out of them. It is time for me to shine, it is
time for me to be who I really am – without barriers, without tainting,
without anything needs for buffing or changing. It is me I am searching
for – the one true person I will come to find in the course of all of
this, the one true person that will find her way here, to this world I
am living in, without being a ghost of my former self or just going
through the motions.I welcome you, Day Six.
–Kate
Comments (2)
I hate sleeping with my window closed. I am not claustrophobic in any real sense of the word, but as soon as my windows are closed I feel like I’m suffocating, I feel like soon I wil run out of air and there will be nothing there for me to breathe in except for the poisonous non-reuseable carbon monoxide. My biology-major brain kicks in and tells me of exactly the ways that will kill me. It will be snowing outside, and I will get up and open the window, not just a crack, but at least half way. Only when I sleep though.
Sounds like you’re doing better. Goals and dreams are great
expressing them so openly is even better.
I could, but I won’t. Deep inside I know I still love him, but that that love will always be overshadowed by the pain and suffering he caused me. We just talked, he wants to at least be friends. He claims he moved to get away from our memories, whatever. Bastard…